‘Hurt People Hurt People’ Is a Lazy Excuse - Here’s the Work Instead.

We’ve all heard it: “Hurt people hurt people.” It sounds compassionate, and in some cases, it’s true. Pain changes how we show up in the world. But somewhere along the way, this phrase stopped being a lens for understanding and started being a hall pass for bad behavior. When we use it as the whole explanation, we turn harm into something inevitable - like the person doing it has no choice but to keep spreading their pain. That’s not empathy. That’s enabling.

Yes, unhealed wounds can make us reactive, defensive, and less able to connect. Psychology backs this up - trauma, chronic stress, and emotional neglect can wire us toward self-protection at the expense of others. But here’s the part that gets lost: hurt doesn’t erase responsibility. You can have a legitimate reason for your behavior and still be accountable for the harm it causes.

True empathy holds space for both the wound and the work. It says, “I see how you got here” and also, “I see what you need to change.” It doesn’t stop at understanding - it asks for effort. And effort is where healing begins. Without it, “hurt people hurt people” becomes a cycle, not a cautionary truth.

If you’ve been the one hurt, it’s okay to acknowledge someone’s pain without excusing what they’ve done. And if you’re the one doing the hurting, your history might explain your actions - but it doesn’t define your capacity to act differently now. Healing is uncomfortable, but it’s also a choice you get to make every day.

The truth is, “hurt people hurt people” should be the first sentence, not the last. The real conversation starts with, “What now?”

Disclaimer: We’re not denying the truth in it - but empathy without accountability is enabling.